Naruto, Again
by Forkive
Summary: Everything, for once, was going fine. Madara was almost defeated, with nearly everyone still alive. When his prankster spirit reveals itself once more, however, everything goes to the dogs. Naruto wakes up and finds not only that he's 13 again, but his parents are alive, rich, and pretty messed up. Madara, of course, has no idea what's going on. M, for safety. REVIEWS ENCOURAGED!
1. What the Hell, Guys?

It seems a requirement of all authors on this site to write at least one Naruto fanfic. Thus, before I continue with stuff I'm actually interested in writing, I am pleased to present...

* * *

**Naruto, Again**

**Chapter 1: What the Hell, Guys?**

_Naruto and all associated works are property of Masashi Kishimoto. This odd thing is my own brainchild. None of it is written for cash. Happy now? Oh, and potential spoilers ahead. Just saying._The ceiling was the wrong shade of orange. That was the first thing Naruto noticed when he forced his eyelids apart. He had always been drawn to that particular color, its vitality screaming over any sense of social propriety and ninja practicality. It was bright, and alive; that was why he loved it so. This ceiling was subdued, like a rotting pumpkin in a rainstorm. Someone had clearly avenged themselves upon the trickster genius of Fire Nation, but he could not imagine a human so vile as to ruin a perfectly good orange ceiling.

The second thing he noticed was that the grandiose four-poster bed he rested in was part of a completely unfamiliar room. This in itself was not surprising; He had traveled with Jiraiya for three years, after all. What was surprising was that this room was extraordinarily rich, with polished ebony, burnished silver, and gold-veined marble, and that he could not remember drinking the night before.

Which, in fact, led to his third observation: Naruto was not on the field of the Great Ninja War. There was no pain in his body, and neither of the two Madaras were anywhere to be found. Also odd: He seemed to recall pummeling them personally. Confused, but unwilling to stir himself from the luxury of the mattress, Naruto let his mind drift as, one by one, the memories of the battle unwillingly sorted themselves into a semblance of a recollection.

* * *

He wasn't exactly sure when things started to go horribly wrong.

It had begun as a model of a proper ninja ninja confrontation: The great Shinobi Alliance had formed ranks on one end of the wooded plain, and as Madara's evil undead army advanced upon them, cataclysms sundered the earth and rocked the heavens, even as the living embodiments of unrestrained energy clashed upon the blood-soaked rocks, and the bloated, furry avatar of destruction awoke. A proper ninja confrontation, if any was to be had.

Naruto supposed it was his big mouth that really screwed things up. Madara - Or, as it turned out, Obito, had run out of flashbacks, having even recounted the creation of his alias (As if it needed telling. 'Tobi?' 'Obito?' Lord Voldemort called, and he wanted his anagrams back.) Without the breaks in continuity, he was no longer able to recover between bouts. Held in one dimension by Kakashi's superior eye magic, his control over the Juubi had faltered, and it had crumbled into delightfully fluffy bits. The real Madara, a god of battle in his own right, was a fearsome foe even alone, but was losing ground to the unstoppable, painfully bright yellow ninja. All shinobi yet living, and quite a few by definition dead, cheered in spite of themselves. As Madara was forced, step by step, to the mountain's face, the pain in his body seemed to roll away as faces he knew were highlighted with chakra-enhanced definition. There were Ino, Shikamaru, and Choji, shouting until they were red in the face. Iruka, while silent, shone with an undeniable pride in the student who once defaced the Hokage Rock itself. Hinata gazed unabashed at the boy who had always been her hero. And Sakura... He could hear her voice rise above them all:

"Do it, Naruto! Bring that bastard to his knees!"

Even as he basked in the glow of their friendship, even as the broken pieces of his life at last came together in his heart, an ancient evil howled in the depths of his heart, one that had not been seen in countless eons. He watched in horror as his lips formed the words all on their own.

"Why? He's not your mother last night!"

The shinobi world fell silent. For the smallest of instants, Naruto convinced himself that Sakura hadn't heard. But when a sickening crack of knuckles split the air, he knew that the truth was far more terrifying than any undead army.

"**...nnnnNNAAARUUUTOOO!**"

Madara himself quailed as Sakura, with all the ferocity of a vengeful pink biju, flew at Konoha's #1 Prankster, an unstoppable bolt of feminine fury. Time seemed to stop, and Naruto saw all the years of his life flash before his eyes, from his very first childhood memories to the end of ninja academy... Which were, in retrospect, basically spent as a rebellious, isolated freak of society. Then as a new genin... Consisting of beatings, betrayals, tauntings, rejections, and countless hospitalizations. His recent string of battles, resulting in the destruction of his home, the traumatic murder of his dearest friends, nonsensical resurrections, zombies, and more betrayals...

"You know," Naruto mused, "My life just really, really sucks sometimes. Wait, I remember!" The flashbacks rewound, and he once again saw his adventures with the Pervy Sage, Jiraiya. Open-air baths, endless sake, and the prettiest girls he'd ever seen.

"Wait. What the hell? Why didn't I just stay with Ero-Sensei? God, I'm such a dumbass!" Jiraiya, in all of his unadulterated bachelor glory, was long gone, but as Naruto watched Sakura's fist descend upon him, he took pleasure knowing that their parties in the next life were soon to begin.

"BACK OFF, BITCH! HE'S MINE!" Hinata descended like a living tornado and, as a flabbergasted Sakura was flung into the rubble, forced Naruto to the ground, encircling him with her thighs and eliminating any possible escape. "Finally, right where I want... w-w-want... N-Naruto?" Her face matched Sakura's hair as she seemed to notice the position she had forced Naruto into, and was about to collapse when a bright green bundle boomed across the hills.

"**Hinata! I, Lee, had always counted you as a closest ally, but I my youth calls for me to avenge the lovely Miss Sakura! Prepare yourself!**" Rock Lee was already opening the first gate and apparently oblivious to Sakura herself crawling unscathed from the rocks. Long since overwhelmed, Naruto gave up resistance and simply watched the show.

"Hinata, though I myself have doubted your choices, as your cousin and friend, I will protect both you and Naruto from this blundering green beast which bears upon you. It is my destiny!"

"Neji, my eternal rival! I always knew this battle was meant to be. Come! I will at long last prove what a genius of hard work can do!"

"**_WELL SAID! I HAVE TRAINED YOU WELL! YOUR FLAMES OF YOUTH... HAVE REVIVED ME! NOW, WE SHALL DEFEAT OUR FOES, IN THE NAME OF MANHOOD!_**" Like an emerald effigy of apocalypse, Might Guy shook the heavens with his bellows, and, after a youthful embrace with his student, prepared to wreak havoc upon his foes. Naruto was saved, however, by the revival of Kakashi, who, glancing nervously at the moon, guarded his student and his would-be lover. Ino, Shikamaru, and Choji readied a defensive as well, unwilling to let matters escalate, yet secretly rooting for Hinata.

* * *

Madara was getting frightened. These were people on the brink of death just moments prior, who he had brushed aside like flies, and were now amassing power to wipe out nations. "More powerful than all the tailed beasts combined: This is the true power of hormonal adolescents!" He had to escape, before his very essence was ground to dust! Responding to his primal fear, the energies released by the erstwhile combatants swirled around the first, greatest Uchiha, reaching towards the silent moon...

* * *

Naruto, already using Hinata's thighs as an impromptu pillow, sensed what was, by this point, another annoyingly familiar chakra, and prepared for the worst. Indeed, it was none other than Sasuke who came flapping over the cliffs, sword in hand and hair quivering like an angry rooster.

"Naruto. The time has come for me to slay you, and show the proof of my existence! I will at last conclude the fight we had when I was thirteen, when you followed me after I was grounded and ran away from home. But I am not alone!" Indeed, flying behind Sasuke was a great, scaly, seemingly inebriated Kabuto, who, at a word, raised yet another army of the dead. Gaara alone came to Naruto's aid, batting aside waves of weakened zombies with walls of reinforced sand.

Naruto had already been exhausted, and this exercise in stupidity was simply too much for his tired mind. Hinata, overloaded by the chain of causality she had detonated, was already unconscious, and Naruto was heavily inclined to join her. Some inkling of responsibility stayed his eyelids, though, and he forced himself to watch the spectacular chaos. It was a rough hand on his shoulder that broke his reverie, and a voice that had been unheard for far too long that rumbled in his ear.

"Finally getting somewhere with women, I see. Considering the amount of effort I put into training you, it's taken far too long." The tangle of long white hair was unmistakable.

"...Ero-Sensei! But..."

"Don't worry about it now, kid. You just get some rest, yeah? Chick like that, you're gonna need it!"

"...M'kay..." As his eyelids at last fell together, the world seemed to grow fuzzy, and the moon swirled like a vortex beyond the stars...

* * *

The pieces were all there, but they simply didn't make any sense. Where was Madara? How was Jiraiya still alive? What the hell was going on with the moon? Most importantly, what did Hinata mean, when she said he was hers? Troubled, he slid out of the covers, determined to distract himself with his surroundings. Certainly, there was a lot to distract himself with. The bed was strange, but he could spot the hidden leaf insignia hidden amongst many of the trees carved into the headboard. Three massive doors hung ajar on three opposing sides of the massive, oddly circular chamber. He began to feel peculiar when his gaze strayed towards the furniture, though that might have been simply their overwhelming size. In fact, the entire room was massive; Naruto felt much smaller simply by standing in it. Funnily enough, he felt much lighter as well...

The first door he chose was opposing the bed, and seemed to open into a grand courtyard. It felt far too early in the morning to be going outside, and Naruto closed that door immediately. To the right of the bed was a closet, filled, oddly enough, with both fine black formal wear and rows of his thankfully pure orange jumpsuits. Unnerving, to say the least. The last door, on the left, revealed an opulent bathroom in a state of relative disarray. While the room itself was clean, the shampoo was on its side, the hand wash was inside of the sink, and a bar of soap was simply lying in the middle of the floor. Naruto turned to inspect the mirrors, but he froze when his eyes reached the spotless glass: Reflected in it was a thirteen year old with shockingly blue eyes, bushy blonde hair, and three whisker marks running across each cheek.

Naruto staggered from the bathroom, and at last saw the pictures upon the dresser. A howling infant, swaddled in bright orange blankets; A bubbly toddler, chasing squirrels in the park. The largest frame held a picture of Naruto as he looked at that very moment, holding hands with two smiling adults. He knew them very well.

"Kushina and Minato Namikaze. Mom... and Dad."

* * *

_Yeah, kind of a sloppy ending there. Don't blame me: I dragged this out in one sitting. Expect repeated edits between this and the finish. In the meantime, tell me what you think! I honestly barely know where this one is going._


	2. Why Did It Have to Be My Mother?

_It __seems __I__'__ve __managed __to__, __against __all __odds__, __scrawl __out __a __second __chapter__. __At __this __rate__, __I __might __actually __have __to __make __a __plot__! __Well__, __when __we __last __left __off__, __Naruto __had __just __discovered __that __he __was __a __child __once __more__, __that __his __parents __were __alive__, __and __that __his __entire __family __was __fabulously __wealthy__. __But __is __all __really __at __peace __with __the __Namikazes__? (__Warning__: __Minato __and __Kushina __are __not __the __same __people __you __know __and __love__!)_

_DISCLAIMER__: __Naruto __and __all __associated __media __belongs __to __Masashi __Kishimoto __and __those __other __folks __who __have __money__. __Ergo__, __not __me__._

* * *

**Chapter 2: Why Did It Have to Be My Mother?**

For much of Naruto's life, he had felt entirely alone. All of Konoha shunned his very existence, for reasons that were beyond his understanding, and he could trust no-one but himself. It was only after fighting Mizuki that he, for the first time, knew that there would always be people he could talk to, no matter where he was or how he felt. Now, confused by everything around him, Naruto thought it was time to speak to them once more.

"Gentlemen, I have convened the Council of Nine upon this strange day because you are the wisest, the strongest, and the bravest souls I have ever known.

"You've got to be kidding me."

"You have fought beside me in all my great struggles," Naruto continued, "and I trust you as I do nobody else within this world."

"Seriously?"

"It is with this trust that I now ask you, o noble ones, to guide me through this perilous time!" As Naruto concluded his impassioned appeal, each of his eight other shadow clones glanced awkwardly at each other. The rightmost one spoke first.

"Alright. First thing, you need some actual friends."

"You! Shut it!"

"When most people talk to themselves, they're considered crazy. You? You're just kinda... Pathetic."

"You asked for it!"

"Don't!" But it was too late. As Naruto's fist smashed into his doppelganger's face, it vanished in a burst of smoke, returning its memories and opinions to the original.

"Aw, now I feel like shit. Please, just tell me what the hell is going on!"

Dead silence. The bed slowly rose where the honest clone had just been reclining. Finally, another spoke up.

"Well, I don't know any more than you..." Naruto groaned while the other clones chuckled. "But I think that this might be the Tsukuyomi."

"What? No! I... How did she put it? 'Brought that bastard to his knees?'" Everyone shared a knowing leer.

"No, seriously. Think about it: Our parents are alive, we're somehow unbelievably rich, and there isn't dried ramen all over the floor. What are the chances of that happening? Has to be Tsukuyomi."

"If this is the Tsukuyomi, then who ruined that ceiling? More importantly, why in the name of the Hokage's grandmother would I want to repeat puberty?"

"Shit, you're right. Well, I'm out of ideas. ¡Adiós!" The others vanished. Naruto collapsed onto the bed. Though it seemed impossible, he'd had a few good points. What other explanations could there possibly be for this mysterious new world, with his pictures on the dresser? There simply wasn't enough evidence, in any direction whatsoever. If only he could remember the fight more clearly...

There was a rap on the door leading outside, and Naruto leapt at the wall. Though his body had shrunk, his mind and chakra were still his own, and in a blink he had sprinted up and across the marble. When the door at last swung open, Naruto was already crouched on the ceiling above it, ready to knock the daylights out of whomever came through.

What he was not ready for, however, was Ayame, hair tied up, broom in hand, and dressed in an honest-to-god maid uniform.

"Aya-"

"IIYAA!" As Naruto slipped, caught off guard by the ramen girl's scream, her broom handle flew upward with demonic accuracy, and the once proud ninja had melted into a whimpering puddle of agony before he even hit the ground.

"Ohmigod, Naruto! Are you- What- How-" As Naruto writhed, Ayame stammered until, grimacing, she cast aside the offending broom like unwashed hand of a fourteen year old and slung the boy over her shoulder.

"This simply will not do. You were standing on the ceiling: That's a ninja technique, and you are simply not allowed to learn those on your own, even if your father was the greatest ninja in all Konoha. You're going to have to have a word with your parents, young man."

"What the hell? Ayame-nee-"

"Language as well? I realize that I may have upset you just now, but that is no cause for ill manners!" For Naruto, this was simply too much. He swung in silence, attempting to will his manhood back to health as Ayame wove through the magnificent green courtyard. His eyes followed the close-cut grass as, trodden underfoot, sprung back into form unharmed.

"And, like the wondrous grass, may I too quickly spring back into form, unharmed by that dreadful broom. Amen." Propping himself on Ayame's surprisingly broad shoulder, Naruto traced his gaze above the lawn, where marble pillars spiralled into elegant stone walls, at least three stories high. The mid-morning sun glowed through a barrier of pines unlike any he had ever seen, red wood whispering at impossible heights within the blue sky. He couldn't spot the Hokage Rock: Those trees were blocking everything besides the clouds. Glancing back, he noticed that the room he had just left was taller than a good portion of the house, rising high above the courtyard. It was almost like a castle.

He lived in a castle? Ayame was his maid? Naruto was rather inclined to believe that he was indeed trapped within Tsukuyomi. Yet, how could that pain be so real? He had to explore. Glancing across the lawn, Naruto spotted a quiet corner and silently called a clone, who, with a nod, dashed into the shadows. Meanwhile, Ayame had brought him to a small glass door, which slid open at a touch.

"Now, speak to your father." And there he was. Sitting behind the small table and a bowl of hot cereal, as noble and young as he'd seen within his own chakra while fighting the kyuubi and Pain. His golden hair shone in the morning light, his white jacket fluttering across the floor. Minato Namikaze. Yondaime Hokage, the Flying Thunder God, savior of Konoha, and his own father. Alive.

Naruto was overwhelmed. Emotions he hadn't known existed rolled within his heart. Despite himself, he took a step forward.

"Dad..."

"Ayame, what did he do this time?"

"He was walking on the ceiling and scared the living daylights out of me."

"Nice! I mean, um... Naruto! You're not allowed to use chakra until you're older! What have you to say for yourself!"

"...Sorry?"

"Good! Now, grab a bowl of cereal and tell me all about it!" Ayame shot him a glare that could melt granite. "What?" She was just about to chew him out when the door smashed against the wall and shattered into crystal dust that floated to the tiles below. A woman, whose hair burned crimson against the sky, stood livid in the doorway. She looked every part as wrathful and distraught as Minato looked buoyant and confused. It could be none other than Kushina, the mother he'd only met in the depths of his chakra coils, but she looked rather more... Disheveled. Perhaps it was the exercise, but Naruto panicked when he saw his clone, looking unnervingly green, hanging by his collar from her mighty fist.

"Minato, its Naruto. He saw... Wait, Naruto?" His mother, now bewildered, glanced between the two, but Minato shot to his feet excitedly.

"A Kage Bunshin? But, Naruto, how..." Kushina raised the clone aloft.

"So, its just a Bunshin? Thank the gods. I'll talk about this with you later, young man, but for now..."

"Honey, don't!" But Minato was too late. Naruto's mother, in her apparent anger forgetting one of the most basic principles of the shadow clone technique, dashed it against the ground, where it burst in a cloud of chakra. She looked pleased, then horrified as she remembered: The memories return to the ninja.

* * *

_Naruto followed the clone through the courtyard, where he had attempted to scale the walls before hitting a chakra barrier at the roof level. He fell, expecting to be crushed then and there, only to land intact amongst a grouping of ridiculously soft bushes. Too soft, in fact. The clone pulled them aside, revealing a hidden staircase. He'd followed it down to a solid metal door, listening at the crack. Echoing out from behind it were moans, marked by the occasional scream. Voices bounced between them, low and indistinct. What were his parents doing with this vault below the yard? He'd opened the door, and seen..._

* * *

Naruto felt like puking.

The Namikazes were gathered in the kitchen. Kushina silently rubbed her temples and sighed, while Minato held her against his shoulder. Naruto was pacing across the tiles, unable to reconcile his own thoughts and the visions of his recent clone. Long seconds passed, and only their breath and his troubled footsteps could be heard through marble walls and marble halls.

Naruto was the first to try to break the silence.

"What... Why..."

"I think its time we told you the truth." Kushina glanced up at her husband, who gazed back before setting his jaw and continuing. "The whole truth."

"You see, Naruto, before you were born, your father was the Hokage. More than that: He was a hero."

"You flatter me. I was just a ninja who was good at his job. When old man Sarutobi asked me to look after the village for him, I couldn't refuse. For a while, everything was good."

"Then Madara came, yes, I know. He threatened Mom, enslaved Kura- The Kyuubi, and destroyed a lot of the village. Then what? How is this related?" There was dead silence. If his parents had looked surprised before, that was nothing to the looks frozen upon their faces at that instant. Naruto knew he had said too much, but he was desperate for answers. Finally, Minato looked him dead in the eye, and questioned him with the solemnity of the grave.

"Naruto... Who told you that? How did you know?"

"I, err... It was Gramps. I used a, uh, special henge and while he was out, spied on you with his crystal ball. Yeah, and you were talking about it. Look, just go on."

"I will have a word with him when this is done... Then you know the devastation that it caused, and the desperation I felt. The only choice left was to summon the Shinigami itself. I thought it would consume my life and its yin chakra, sealing the yang within you. When I did, however..." Kushina cut in.

"The Shinigami is a jealous bitch, and when it saw Minato, the damn sexiest man in all the shinobi world, it got angry. It didn't want him to die; It wanted him to suffer. So, to punish my poor husband, it took away the one thing all men hold most dear. Your father... Had his sex drive stolen from him."

Naruto froze.

"What?"

"Your mother and I, we love each other more than anything in the world, but I just... Couldn't satisfy her."

"What?"

"He couldn't stand me being with another man, so... We reached a compromise."

"No."

"Some women came from pretty far away, so we started housing them here."

"That's just..."

"And since they were already here, I figured, 'Why the hell not?'"

"No!"

"Well, one thing led to another, and before we knew it, there it was!"

"It's better for all of us."

"Heck, even I go down there sometimes, just to check!" His parents were giggling like teenagers, but Naruto couldn't take it any more of their nonsense. He'd seen what he'd seen, and the only thing to do was to find somebody with a memory jutsu and a tall glass of something strong.

"Look, I have things that I need to talk about as well, but for now, I just _really_ need some air." Naruto stormed out, wincing as the powdered glass buried within his feet, but wincing more at the chuckles that drifted out of the kitchen in his wake. Determined to get out of his parents' demented estate, Naruto let the chakra wrap around his feet, taking care to push and pull in equal parts. The movement was a relief-it felt like that conversation had floated across hours.

"This is _definitely_ not the Tsukuyomi."

When he came to the chakra barrier, he was not surprised that the clone had fallen against it. Marked by no obvious talismans, it crackled yellow when touched, but otherwise seemed invisible against the bright blue sky. While he had not his father's skill in seals, Naruto considered punching through it. As he gathered his deepest chakra reserves, though, a familiar voice rang through his head.

**"****Kid****, ****you ****might ****want ****to ****reconsider ****this****."**

"Kurama! Where have you been?"

**"****You****'****re ****body****'****s ****been ****reset****, ****right****? ****Well****, ****the ****chakra ****seal ****was ****too****. ****I****'****m ****a ****little ****tied ****up ****right ****now****."**

"Didn't think of that. I'll be right down!" Naruto inhaled deeply, letting the air swirl about his lungs. Accumulating a drop of nature chakra to ease the process for his untried system, he dove into his subconscious.

Just like old times, there stood the cage, held only by his father's paper seal. Unlike old times, however, it was no demon behind the bars, but Kurama, his ally and friend. Naruto no longer needed threats or empty promises to approach; He walked right to the gate and tore the paper away. The Kyuubi padded easily between the bars and, after stretching catlike upon the significantly cleaner ground, curled into a contented ball. Naruto, infected by his laziness, lay next to one of his mighty tails and relaxed.

**"****You ****look ****shorter****."**

"Quite astute, o wise one. I was actually wondering about that myself. What happened back there, on the battlefield?"

**"****Haven****'****t ****the ****faintest ****clue****. ****Definitely ****wasn****'****t ****the ****Tsukuyomi****. Madara****would ****have ****needed ****the ****Juubi ****for ****that****, ****and ****we ****beat ****him ****back ****to ****dust****."**

"That's true. Nicely done with that, by the way."

**"****No**** '****I****' ****in**** '****Teamwork****.'"**

"Never thought of it like that. No, I suppose there isn't. Anyway, what was that about the barrier?"

**"****Well****, ****I****'****ve ****had ****plenty ****of ****time ****to ****study ****Minato****'****s ****sealwork****," ****A ****tail ****flicked ****lazily ****to ****the ****open ****cage****. "****And ****there****'****s ****no ****way ****we****'****d ****be ****able ****to ****break ****through ****without ****blasting ****the ****house ****away ****with ****it****. ****But ****Minato ****always ****leaves ****a ****loophole****, ****some ****way ****for ****him ****to ****get ****in ****and ****out****. ****It ****would ****be ****awkward ****if ****the ****Yellow ****Flash ****couldn****'****t ****slip ****past ****his ****own ****barriers****... ****There ****should ****be ****a ****seal ****around ****here ****some where****." **As Kurama searched, Naruto gazed about the chamber. It was odd to think, when he was the same age as in this world, he was utterly alone, hated, and terrified of the wise, fluffy red cynic that destroyed half his village. He also considered how he'd never once imagined he would regretting a long talk with his mother and father. Times change.

**"****There ****it ****is****. ****That ****lightning ****tile ****across ****the ****courtyard****. ****It****'****s ****only ****tuned ****to ****Minato ****and ****Kushina****'****s ****chakra****, ****but ****with ****them ****being ****your ****parents****, ****it ****should ****just ****take ****a ****little ****concentration****. ****Now****, ****go ****and ****have ****fun ****while ****I ****take ****a ****much****-****needed ****nap****." **Naruto opened his eyes and sprung across the yard to the tile Kurama had pointed out. The pale yellow stone crackled against his finger. Focusing on the lightning, Naruto let his blue chakra encircle the rock, feeling for the talisman. For a moment, it hummed busily, but after a few seconds, the paper shook contentedly and readied its activation.

"Hey, Kurama?"

**"...****Hmm****?"**

"Have my parents always been like that?"

**"****Trust ****me****, ****it ****was ****worse ****when ****they **_**could **_**go ****at ****it****."**

"You're kidding."

**"****I ****was ****chained ****inside ****the ****body ****of ****your ****mother ****ever ****since ****she ****started ****hitting ****puberty****. ****I ****had ****to ****see **_**everything**_**. ****In ****fact****, ****if ****you ****want****, ****I ****could ****share ****the ****memories ****directly****!"**

"Please don't."

**"****All ****you ****have ****to ****do ****is ****interrupt ****one ****of ****my ****naps****, ****and ****I****'****d ****be ****more ****than ****happy ****to ****show ****you ****all ****the ****wild ****times ****your ****mother ****and ****father ****had ****together****-"**

"Lesson learned! I won't do it again!"

**"****Excellent****. ****Now****, ****if ****you****'****ll ****excuse ****me****..."** Naruto's mind fell silent. Living inside his mother... Naruto shuddered before activating the talisman. There was a dizzying twist, and he was gone.

* * *

_Well, how was today's nonsense? I'm a little paranoid about getting banned, but I'm sure that you readers are all responsible adults, who know what's going on here. If you don't, maybe I'll spell it out for you, one day... In the mean time, what will Naruto find on the other side? Where is everyone else? And most importantly, will he ever be able to wipe those images from his memory? Please leave your comments, and perhaps you'll find out!_


	3. Wait, He Wants to Go WHERE?

_Well, well, well. Audience. It seems we meet again. When we last left off, Naruto had just found out that his parents are complete perverts, and that the Shiki Fujin made his father impotent. What the hell is going on? Even I'm not really sure..._

**DISCLAIMER: I, in no way, shape, or form, own Naruto or related merchandise. Besides that copy of Volume 1 on my bookshelf. I have the receipt and everything.**

* * *

Chapter 3: Wait, He Wants to Go WHERE?

* * *

It felt good, flying above his beloved city. Watching faces blur and rooftops disappear underfoot as the sun burned silently in the blue. With so much else having gone completely insane, seeing buildings in their places and faces in their spaces was therapeutic, even mixed with the strange details of this new reality. His dad's face, for instance: Why on earth was it plastered across every billboard in the city?

Still, there was one constant. The Hokage Monument, unchanging, for obvious reasons, as the mountain from which it was carved. The faces of the previous Hokage, keeping silent vigil over Konoha, were as painfully dull as always.

"No, that's not right. They're even MORE boring than normal. Maybe just a bit of color-" Naruto crashed into the next roof, his writing hand twitching wildly. 10,000 repetitions, crawling through his fingers: "I will not deface the Hokage Monument. I will not deface the Hokage Monument. I will not deface the Hokage Monument... Wow. Haven't done THAT in a while. Bad Naruto, bad!"

It was hard to remember that, even though he'd been a sixteen year old orphan war hero just the other day, now he was a thirteen year old with a prankster spirit unchecked by age. In all honesty, parts of him still prefered the orphan thing. Particularly those parts that had seen what his mother was doing beneath the house. They would simply have this world burn. He'd asked each of them personally, and they'd all agreed. Burn the world. That's what they said.

Thing was, in this world, he was also incredibly rich, and the rest of him was more than happy with that.

Until he made up his mind, however, it would be just him and the clouds, meandering cluelessly across the blue. In the distance, Naruto could pick out the soft clicks of ninja footfalls racing across the tile roofing, but that was just another part of Konoha, the ninja village.

"Funny. It sounds like a bunch of ANBU. Wonder what they're up to." He swung himself up, letting his legs dangle over the rafters. "More importantly, what am I up to? Dammit all. I have the entire village at my feet, and all I can do is laze around like Shikamaru." That put him thinking. "You know, maybe Shikamaru isn't that lazy. He's just always been old, even when he was a kid. 'Cause I'm old, and I just want to sit around all day."

The thirteen year old teenager fell back with a sigh. "Man, being old sucks." He watched as smoke twisted and spun from the nearby chimney, following its sinuous trail to the sky. Like a succulent kebab to heaven. Naruto's mouth began to water.

"Now, why- I get it. That's the barbeque, and my pervert parents ruined my breakfast. Well now, what would Choji do?" Without a moment's hesitation, Naruto pushed chakra through his feet and leapt towards the awaiting feast.

"Hey, that's actually pretty catchy. Maybe I'll put it on a wristband or something. 'What would gramps do?' Or, 'What would Ero-Sensei do?'" He paused as people cried in alarm below. "Admittedly not my best idea. Sakura would probably kill me." Naruto dropped lightly to the ground, too hungry to take heed of the silent crowd around him, even when they parted before the doors. It was hardly the first time he'd had the silent crowd treatment, though never so conveniently.

"It must be because I'm so awesomely rich. Who cares, as long as I can get some food?"

As Naruto sauntered to the entrance, however, one of the younger waitresses ran towards him with a first aid kit, only to freeze once she saw him standing at the door. The bandages and antiseptic clattered to the ground, and echoed across the entirety of the deathly-silent street.

Now Naruto was confused. He looked from face to awe-struck face, trying to figure out what their problem was.

"Is there something on my face? I mean, I know I'm rich, but I can't be THAT rich, can I?"

The waitress groped for the bandages and, after several failed attempts, held them forward like a sacrificial offering. "Ah... Um... Are you alright?"

"...Yes? I'm just a little hungry, that's all." The shock on the waitress's face was quickly transitioning to fear.

"But... How..." She cleared her throat nervously. "I saw you. You jumped from all the way up there, and now you're down here, and you're not hurt or anything, and... And..."

Naruto laughed. "I get it. See, I may look like I'm just an Academy kid, but actually-"

One moment, he was chuckling over an innocent mistake, and the next he was a hundred feet in the air. It was almost a good thing he hadn't eaten breakfast: He'd be sharing it with everyone on the ground, and they wouldn't enjoy it.

The ANBU that had been running across the rooftops had found their target, but that target was Naruto himself. Naruto didn't know many things about being rich, but he did know that kidnappers and millionaires were never on the best of terms, even if they were all ninja.

"There's no way I'll let you bastards cut off my finger! HAH!" The ANBU underestimated him. Though he had a body three years younger, and chakra coils to match, Naruto was still a Jinchuuriki, and a sage to boot. Those years of training weren't for nothing. He used Kawamiri on one of his opponents, swapping places with the unsuspecting ninja, and summoned a small host of clones. As one unit, a small horde of Narutos smothered the ANBU. Which would not be enough to stop them, were it not for one last trick.

"SEXY NO JUTSU!"

ANBU are trained for many things. They must be able to discard their name and strike in the shadows, to fulfil the mission no matter the cost. To do so, ANBU are trained to be the strongest, the elite amongst the elite. Yet, even if they can manage a swarm of thirteen year-olds, there is nothing in ANBU training to protect them from a swarm of crooning, voluptuous, bare-ass naked kunoichi piled atop each other.

Naruto left the lot of them in a heap upon the roof. 'What would Ero-Sensei do?' seemed, in fact, like an excellent wristband.

"I've gotta get to the Hokage tower. SOMEBODY there will know what's going on."

* * *

Hiruzen Sarutobi had no idea what was going on. It had started out a day like any other. He'd risen with the sun to make an early breakfast, and then tick off another day on the calendar until Naruto's graduation and the end of Minato's paternity leave. Which, in Hiruzen's opinion, was utter bullshit, but it proved a way to keep active in his retirement.

That was before Naruto himself burst through his window, followed by, of all things, fourteen ANBU and countless identical, naked women. On top of that, he then used the rasengan to blast away his pursuers, and began spewing a flood of insensible questions as if this was the normal way to make an appointment with the Hokage.

Perhaps he could convince Minato to return early.

* * *

Tiger had been patrolling the city for over six years. His ANBU squad was the finest, defending their neighbors from shinobi and zoo-escapee alike. Even so, he could not believe what he'd just seen. A boy, neutralizing fourteen fully trained special operatives in the course of minutes. Nor had he ever seen the particular technique he neutralized them with, and though he was rather inclined to see it again, there were far more pressing issues to be dealt with.

"Please forgive our intrusion, Hokage-sama, but we believe there to be an enemy ninja on the loose, disguised as a child. We caught him using chakra in front of civilians, but his jutsu was... Unstoppable. He was headed towards your offices, and-SIR, HE'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!" All five ANBU leapt into attack formation, readying S-Class katon justu in the middle of the office.

A groan escaped from the Sandaime Hokage. Perhaps this strange version of Naruto had a point. His shinobi were powerful weapons, to be sure, but they all ended up a little... Tightly-wound. And paranoid. Occasionally subject to Irritable Bowel Syndrome, though he had a feeling that had more to do with the rations than secrecy.

"Gentlemen, you're doing fine work, but there is really no cause for alarm, nor is there any threat."

"Sir, that... nin-child... used Kage Bunshin at kage levels, and knows the Rasengan like the back of his hand! If you don't mind me asking, who is he, and how is he not a threat?"

Sarutobi had no idea what to tell them. That he was a child from another world? That he was the son of the actual Hokage, Minato Namikaze? That he was a fully-realized Jinchuuriki, and of the Kyuubi at that? No, Tiger would never understand it, let alone believe it. He tried to think of something more convincing...

"He's... An elf." ...And failed miserably.

"Sir?"

"An elf. He's an elf."

"An... elf?"

"An elf. It's a thing."

The ANBU and Naruto alike simply stared at their Hokage, the leader of the Fire Nation shinobi, the man said to be the god of ninja and master of a thousand jutsu.

"Forgive me, sir, but that is some serious bullshit."

"Yeah, it really is."

"What is he?"

"An elf."

"...Yes, Hokage-sama."

Tiger had nothing left to say. Groaning in exasperation was against his principles, so he saluted rigidly and vanished with the other ANBU.

Hiruzen sighed. "That man needs a pay raise." He started to pace across the office. "Seriously, though. I can't keep passing you off as an elf forever. I don't even know what the hell an elf is, and I'm the god of ninja! It doesn't help that your ninja world apparently did not understand the concept of stealth, with you crashing around the city like that. Honestly, chakra use in front of civilians..." The Hokage stared at his young intruder. "What am I going to do with you?"

Outside, sunlight and shadow danced between the countless leaves shading the Hokage's window from sunlight and bird droppings alike. It was almost time for lunch, and Naruto never had gotten his hands on that barbeque. He'd go with Choji, but he wasn't even sure if Choji knew him in this world.

Which gave him an idea.

"Gramps, I don't know shit about this shitty world of yours."

"Yes, that has been established."

"So, how about I learn? Send me to the ninja academy!"

Sarutobi's jaw fell open. In fact, he was fairly confident that it was dislocated. "...YOU are asking to go to school?"

Naruto reconsidered. Admittedly, it was not his best plan, and he'd been traveling with the Pervy Sage for three years. "I guess I'm the same everywhere. Yes, I, Naruto Uzumaki, am requesting to go to school."

"Done."

"So, how do I-Wait, what?"

The Hokage chuckled with glee. "I've been holding onto that paperwork for years. If it wasn't for your damn father spoiling you all the time, I would have tied you to a cart and dragged you into the classroom myself." From a false-bottom drawer, he eagerly retrieved a crumpled, coffee-stained sheet of paper. "Now, unless there are any problems, we'll call Minato and get him to sign this. Oh, I can't wait to see the look on his face..."

You could hear the dying shudders of a moth in the silence that fell over the Hokage's office. Because there was, in fact, a problem.

* * *

"I don't have a single damn idea what is going on here." Minato slumped exhaustedly across from his past-and-future desk. "You're telling me that my son is some kind of time-travelling alien." He tugged at his endless blonde hair. "That, I can begin to comprehend. I've lived through stranger... But now I'm expected to believe that he WANTS to go to school?"

"That's what I said! It's admittedly kinda freaking me out."

"I mean, Naruto Namikaze. WANTING to go to school. He MUST be a time-travelling alien."

"Uzumaki. Can't exactly be using the Namikaze name at school." The Sandaime and Yondaime Hokages paused.

"Which he WANTS to go to!"

"You do know," Naruto interjected, "that I'm still right here, right?" He was getting impatient. "You've been like this for half an hour."

Minato looked abashed. "Sorry. My mind hasn't taken this kind of beating since Jiraiya snuck into the unisex hot spring and replaced all the water with sake. Though that was mostly the sake and highly aggressive women." He sighed dramatically. "The curse of beauty. Anyway, let's not tell your mother about this. She'd probably never recover."

Naruto nodded. He'd seen Kushina angry, and that was definitely one psychotic breakdown he'd want to stay well away from. "So, what do we tell her? Should I say that it's the Kyuubi rubbing off?"

"Good idea, but a little abstract." Minato concentrated for a moment. "Maybe I'll just say that I forced you to go."

Another of Naruto's groans filled the room. Talking with his dad was like trying to beat sense into a kunai: There was simply nothing to reason with! "No, I'm talking about the time-travel thing."

"Oh, that. That'll be fine. She's lived through stranger..."

"More importantly," Hiruzen cut in, "Would you even be able to attend class? From what I've seen, you know more about chakra and ninjutsu than a good number of our finest jonin."

That was worth thinking about. Naruto was able to summon gigantic warrior toads, channel the energy of nature, and manifest as the Kyuubi incarnate. Plus, he could create his own harems. What would he have thought of a boy who could walk into class with twenty babes on each arm? A genius! An unparalleled prodigy! A ninja on par, if not greater than, Sasuke Uchiha himself!

Actually, that last part didn't sound all too bad.

"You know what? I think I can make this work."

* * *

_A lone Jonin reclined on the roof of the Hokage's office. Technically, he was not supposed to be reclining on the roof of the Hokage's office, but he'd taken precautions to avoid detection. Besides, the Hokage Tower was one of the most comfortable spots in the entire village. The best place for a nap. And, of course, the best place to reread Icha Icha Paradise. He could never get enough of those books._ _The only problem was that he couldn't get his hands on Icha Icha Tactics again. Which made a certain amount of sense; That book would not be published for three more years._

_"More importantly, I'm not the only one stuck here." Beneath his ever present mask, Hatake Kakashi smirked. "It looks like I'll get to have some fun."_

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED!

* * *

_Naruto_ volunteering _to go to school? What has this world come to?! And what the hell is Kakashi doing here as well? Curiouser and Curiouser... Please, tell me what you want to see. REVIEW THE DARN THING! I can only get better with your help!_


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